KNYSNA NEWS - After staying in an abusive marriage for 27 years, Nonyameko Nkwalase fought back and lived to share her story of abuse, embarrassment and objectification – all at the hands of her husband – before she found her voice and fell in love with herself.
The 54-year-old says that after having endured more than two decades of abuse, sleeping on benches at the police station, avoiding their house on Friday nights because her husband came back home drunk and abusive, she drew a line in the sand. “I suppose one day it just hit me: Mandela was in prison for the exact same period and I just refused to be a victim anymore.”
Reflecting on her journey, she says for many years she frequented the police station all the while being the laughing stock in her community: “I don’t know how many times I was on the N2 wearing my nighties looking for a lift to town so I can get to the station,” she tells.
'I had to hide away from him'
Nkwalase says when she fell pregnant with her second baby, her husband instructed her to terminate the pregnancy and she refused. “When the baby was three months old, on another fateful Friday my husband once again chased me out of our home this time with a knife. I tucked my baby inside my shirt, the streets were slippery and muddy… I remember that day so vividly… I hid somewhere and I remember looking inside my shirt and how I felt when I realised she wasn’t there and I couldn’t immediately search for her because her dad was still out there looking for me with a knife.”
She says as soon as her husband went past her she started searching for her daughter. “She wasn’t crying and it was muddy. I don’t know how, but I found her and went to a friend’s house and slept there for the night. There are so many of these stories – some cut deeper than others. I remember nights when my husband would come back home, walk into our bedroom and vomit on me.”
She had to find her own way
Nkwalase says she was referred to Families SA but that it didn’t work for her. “They gave me letters to give to him and he would throw them at my face and start with the abuse all over again.” However, when she met Mary Arnolds from the Knysna police victim support unit, her life changed.
“She helped me fill in a protection order against my husband and the magistrate gave him four years of a suspended sentence and from that day on he never touched or verbally abused me again.”
Even though she and her husband are still married and live in the same house, she says they live completely different lives and she has never been happier.
With a new lease of life she decided to give back and join Victim Support to be an advocate for women going through what she lived through. At first she dedicated her weekends to these women, but does so full-time these days (she is unemployed), without pay.
This Mbokodo (rock) of a woman said, “When I joined Victim Support I found my voice again, I found myself. It restored me and going forward I will never be subjected to any kind of abuse and no woman will – not on my watch.”
'Silence perpetuates violence'
Her advice to others? Silence perpetuates violence, so speak! Share your truth… You'll be surprised how many people are either going through the same thing or suffered the same.
The most common reason women have for staying in an abusive relationship, Nkwalase says, is as follows: "If I leave him, where will I go? Who is going to provide for me and my family?"
The thing about abuse is, though, is that it never gets better so women should get out while they still can.
On how big a role alcohol plays in abusive relationships, she says she can only speak for herself. "Each situation is different. In my story, alcohol played a huge role but I always say it's not the alcohol but the person hiding behind alcohol."
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